How I grew through change and found the strength to love and grow again…
I haven’t written in quite some time….
2019 was an incredibly challenging year for me and those closest to me. 2018 ended on such a huge high. My business was going pretty well, my family were all well and I was celebrating my two sisters milestone birthdays at a party at the end of December. But then January came. My mum fell ill visiting my sister over in America and flew home after some tests at the doctors. After a hospital visit, it was clear she was seriously unwell. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was inoperable. My lovely mum succumbed to a bad bout of flu and passed away before treatment could even begin March 12th. Oddly, my dad also passed away from a brain tumor too 10 years previous, so it was particularly tough going through the process again. I kept my meditation practice up throughout that period of time. I wanted to be present for mum and not go into a panic about knowing she was going to die, and my practice helped me to do that. To reflect on mum’s life, her values and what she brought to our family, her friends and our community.
My family…
Mum’s values remain deeply rooted within me.
The next few months were emotional and challenging but I wanted to remain present with it all and spent lots of time walking in my beloved mother nature who supported me to let go of lots and lots of tears. Even though it seemed an age before the funeral, it was quickly over and I took on the role of executor sorting legalities. I kept rooted in my mum’s values, that she would have wanted things to be done properly and work with good people. This seemed to happen naturally anyway but on reflection of being focussed on my mum’s values (her roots) that focus really helped to keep me to remain grounded and rooted too during this time. It was almost as if I connected deeper with generations of mothers and daughters before me and the love and connection between them all. Letting go of our parents can bring up awareness of ancient values, but also difficult habits and patterns of behaviors long before our our own lives were present on this earth. I became aware of the interconnectedness of all things on a level much closer to home than ever before during that time.
I slowly got back to my coaching after a break and some extra support to help me process what had happened and things began to feel more balanced. For a while, my branches had been swaying around in the wind, but it felt OK to allow that to happen. Because of my mindful practice I could allow myself to bend through this massive change and not break. I allowed myself to spend time deeply exploring and expressing my emotions. All of them. Everything came up. Anger, sadness, my love of precious my life, terrible aching holes of separation which was deep sorrow and loss. I was mindful of everything I was going through and asked for help when I needed to. Walking mindfully in nature has assisted me greatly during emotional release.
I was continuously reminded of a tree and how it is the symbol of renewal of life, how we are part of this continuous circle, how my practice has helped me so much to let go of mum in the form of her physical body when she was passing over, deeply knowing that she would still be with me even after her death in some way.
The tree of life is a powerful symbol
Nature helps us to accept life as it is…
She had planted a seed in me of her amazing values of compassion, kindness, selflessness, and truthfulness, I vowed that her legacy would live through my coaching work even more than before. A cycle had begun in my mum and completed when she passed, but she lived on through me and my family.
As the months passed by my grief evolved and shifted shapes, and still continues to do so, healing is not a straight line and we are all always learning. But I knew that now that as I had lost both of my parents my life would never ever be the same again. Now I really truly had to grow up and even in my 40’s I realised that there were some things I still hadn’t truly taken responsibility for. Practising self-awareness with meditation and being in nature is not about relaxation or escaping life, it is the opposite, you become acutely aware of your own behaviours, your limiting beliefs and habits and the areas in your life where you are going around in little never ending circles. Being present with yourself instead of running around in those circles is always beneficial.
Then in September, my whole world fell apart again when my partner went missing and was found later in a nature reserve in Somerset. He had taken his own life. Just like that, no warning signs, no note. I don’t remember even feeling shocked, just a deep sense of separation. The person I had spent the last 11 years in a relationship with and was practically a father to my children was gone. Just. Like. That. An outwardly happy go, lucky soul, I thought I knew, had vanished from existence. Love crashed around me. My fresh start after losing my mum that I was just beginning to feel, fell underneath my secondary grief and loss. But somewhere, somehow a deep sense of purpose and love came through me. My values and my roots from my mum, the tree of life that was really me, came back in stronger than I ever thought possible and I realised that I was going to have to let go all over again.
This was a journey I HAD to take. There was no choice, I was going on this rollercoaster ride whether I liked it or not. I was blessed from that point onwards with connections to people that had the same values as me. His friends, my friends, his family, my family, his networks, my networks. everything was merging together. People were so kind and compassionate, so understanding, the gap between us human beings suddenly became a lot smaller through this tragic loss I was experiencing. Love showed up and reemerged in a BIG way! Together we raised Darran’s funeral costs and a good amount for a charity that works to support men’s mental health. I found myself empowered through my deep sadness. Losing Daz has been the most challenging period of my life, but also the most self-aware I have ever been.
Loss and separation last year brought more and more connection and clarity for me, which sounds crazy but it did. I could see how everyone was pulling together through my loss, their loss…, his death was actively helping other people to open up and let go. When someone dies, love grows even bigger and so seeds of life are sown yet again. And so the symbol of the tree of life came back to me once again. Yet another cycle had completed and also begun. Another chance for me to become even more rooted and grounded in my values and my truth while the wind blew me around me and my family. Another chance for me to learn to let go and to plant more seeds in their place, to show up in my life as my true self, be kind, compassionate and find new ways to allow love to grow…
When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.
To continue my journey to help myself and others, I am walking 1000 miles in 2020 in support of men’s mental health.
Find out more about the #loveYOUmore movement that was created in memory of my partner Darran below.